Figure Out If Your Partner is Having an Affair
Q. How can I tell if my partner is cheating on me?
A. Your intuition has kicked in and you notice quite of few changes in your significant other's behavior. Below are some of the telltale signs that you may be experiencing:
- Improved appearance. If your significant other suddenly starts exercising and eating healthier, that could be a sign that they are trying to appear more attractive to someone (possibly you, but possibly an affair partner). If Mr. Sweatpants-Are-Just-Fine-at-a-Party starts wearing slacks with matching socks and a fashionable shirt, or if Mrs. I-Can’t-Help-It-If-I-Smell-Like-Our-Son’s-Dirty-Diapers suddenly smells like Chanel No. 5, that may indicate an affair. Ditto for a new haircut and new underwear, especially if your significant other looks the same around you, but significantly better for work or certain social events.
- Secretive phone or computer use. Cheaters tend to use their phones and computers more frequently than before and guard them as if their lives depend on it. If your partner’s phone and laptop never required a password before, and now they do, that’s not a good sign. If your partner suddenly starts deleting texts and clearing their browser history on a daily basis, that’s not a good sign. If your partner never relinquishes possession of their phone, even taking it into the bathroom when they shower, that’s not a good sign. If you ask to review your partner’s phone and they say no, that’s also an issue. Honestly, what could possibly be there other than information about your surprise birthday that they would want to keep secret?
- Periods where your significant other is unreachable. If your partner is cheating on you, they are less likely to answer your calls and respond to your texts. You may hear legitimate-sounding excuses like they were in a meeting, they were driving, or they were in a “dead zone” and didn’t know you were trying to get in touch. If your partner is unreachable while working late or on a business trip, that’s a bad sign.
- Significantly less, or more, or different sex in your relationship. Both decreased and increased levels of sexual activity in your relationship can be a sign of infidelity. Less sex occurs because your partner is focused on someone else. More sex occurs because they are trying to cover that up. Another possible sign of cheating is that the sex you and your partner are having feels less emotionally connected. Yet another possible sign is that your partner is introducing new techniques and activities into your sex life. As much as you might enjoy that, it’s possible that they are learning new tricks outside of your relationship.
- Your partner is hostile toward you and your relationship. Cheaters tend to rationalize their behavior (in their own minds). One way they do this is to push the blame to you. They tell themselves that you don’t look the way you did when they married you, or you’re not adventurous enough in the bedroom, or you don’t appreciate all the wonderful things they do for you, so they deserve to have a little fun elsewhere. Often, their internal justifications for cheating leak out, and they behave judgmentally toward you and your relationship. If it suddenly seems like nothing you do is right, or that things that used to not bother your partner suddenly do, or as if you’re getting pushed away, that could be a strong indication of cheating.
- An altered schedule. When your significant other, who never once worked late, suddenly needs to work late, and that starts to happen more and more frequently, they may be lying. If your spouse has never been away on a business trip and suddenly finds a need to travel for work, that could be a sign that they are having weekend getaways with an affair partner. Flat tires, dead batteries, traffic jams, spending extra time at the gym, and similar excuses for being late or absent altogether might also signal infidelity. A cheating partner might also suddenly be forgetful about picking up their kids, birthdays and other important events, etc.
- Friends seem uncomfortable around you. With infidelity, you the betrayed partner, are nearly always the last person to find out. The cheater’s friends often know about the infidelity right from the start, and your own friends are likely to find out long before you do. This knowledge typically causes these individuals to feel uncomfortable around you. The cheater’s friends might try to avoid you or to be overly nice to you. Your own friends may try to avoid conversations about your relationship, and they might overcompensate by being extra nice.
- Unexplained expenses. If there are odd charges on your partner’s credit cards, or there is suddenly less money in your or your partner’s bank accounts, retirement accounts, investment accounts, etc., that’s a possible sign of infidelity. If you ask your partner about these expenses, and their answers seem untrue, it’s likely that they are untrue. Infidelity costs money: gifts, trips, wine, dinners, hotel rooms, etc. The costs of cheating can add up very quickly. If you see large cash withdrawals or evidence of purchases from places you rarely or never frequent, that’s not a good sign.
- Emotional intimacy has faded. After a few years, no relationship is as intense as it was in the first few months. That said, we do tend to bond and securely attach over time, learning to trust one another with our secrets, our desires, and other important aspects of our lives. That process is known as building emotional intimacy. It is what keeps us bonded to our significant other long after the bloom is off the rose, so to speak. So, if your partner suddenly seems less emotionally vulnerable and intimate with you and does not seem to want you to be emotionally vulnerable and intimate with them, that’s a strong indication that their focus has shifted, most likely to an affair partner.
- When you ask about cheating, your partner deflects and avoids. If your spouse is cheating on you, the absolute last thing in the world that they want to do is talk about it with you. So when you introduce this topic in conversation, they may try to deflect and avoid it. In short, your partner will do everything possible to steer you onto another topic, or they will shift blame for what you’re thinking and feeling onto you. If you’ve confronted your partner about infidelity and been rebuffed, maybe with a message like, “If you trusted me a little more, maybe things would be better between us,” you should not let that override your gut sense that something is wrong in your relationship. Nor should you automatically accept your partner’s assertion that you are at fault. As stated earlier, if your gut tells you that your significant other is cheating on you, you’re probably right.
Without an investigation, you may never know if this is truly happening or not.
Please Note: California is a no fault state, which means the family law courts do not consider cheating as grounds for divorce.